I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
