She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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