HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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