The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
