Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
