Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
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