At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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