i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
