I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
