You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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