I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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