I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
