I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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