The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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