I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
