As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
