Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
