She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
