Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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