Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
