i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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