Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
