chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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