new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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