I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want to be your penis for a week.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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