I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize