So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
