just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
