I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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