I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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