I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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