Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
