The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
