When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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