life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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