Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize