If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We left the knife in your bed.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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