the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
