Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
