it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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