He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
