I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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