I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
