whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize