If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
