i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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