I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
