I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i dont even know how to be here
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
