Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
