I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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