So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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