halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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