it was like eating out sand paper
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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