I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
