Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
