then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
