The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
